| Acknowledgments |
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xv | |
| Introduction |
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xvii | |
| Part 1. Getting to Know the People You Can't Stand |
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We reveal the 10 Most Unwanted and provide you with the Lens of Understanding and show you how The Road to Hell Is Paved with Good Interntions |
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The 10 Most Unwanted List |
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3 | (10) |
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Ten specific behaviors that represent people at their worst! |
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The Think-They-Know-It-All |
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The Lens of Understanding |
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13 | (12) |
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A magnifying glass on behaviors reveals the motives behind them |
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What Determines Focus and Assertive? |
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Get Appreciation from People |
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It's a Question of Balance |
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As Intent Changes, So Does Behavior |
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You Can Hear Where People Are Coming From |
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Shared Priorities, No Problem |
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What Happens When the Intent Isn't Fulfilled? |
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The Road to Hell Is Paved with Good Intentions |
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25 | (10) |
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How thwarted intent produces behaviors that make people difficult to deal with |
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Threatened Intent to Get It Done |
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Threatened Intent to Get It Right |
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Threatened Intent to Get Along with Others |
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Threatened Intent to Get Appreciated by People |
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| Part 2. Surviving through Skillful Communication: Prevent Conflicts and Resolve Problems Before They Get Out of Hand |
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From Conflict to Cooperation |
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35 | (6) |
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United we stand, but divided we can't stand each other. Conflict occurs when the emphasis is on differences. Reducing differences can turn conflict into cooperation |
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Two Essential Skills: Blending and Redirecting |
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Blend Nonverbally with Body and Facial Expressions |
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Blend Vocally with Volume and Speed |
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41 | (6) |
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When two or more people want to be heard, and no one listens, an argument is inevitable. Listen and understand first, and you unlock the doors to people's minds |
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People Want to Be Heard and Understood |
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Reach a Deeper Understanding |
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47 | (6) |
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Sometimes the most important and useful elements of communication are hidden, not just from the listener, but from the speaker as well. Identify these to get a positive outcome |
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Identify Highly Valued Criteria |
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53 | (6) |
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What you say to people can produce defensiveness or trust, increase resistance or cooperation, promote conflict or understanding. Learn these ounces of prevention! |
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Monitor Your Tone of Voice |
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State Your Positive Intent |
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Tactfully Interrupt Interruptions |
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Get What You Project and Expect |
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59 | (8) |
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People rise or fall to the level of your expectations and projections. Use these projection strategies to motivate your problem people to change themselves |
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Assume the Best, Give the Benefit of the Doubt |
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| Part 3. Bringing Out the Best in People at Their Worst: Specific Goals and Action Steps for Dealing with the 10 Most Unwanted |
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67 | (12) |
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Pushy and ruthless, loud and forceful, or with the quiet intensity and surgical precision of a laser, the Tank assumes that the end justifies the means. Expect no mercy |
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You Better Adjust Your Attitude |
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Your Goal: Command Respect |
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What If the Tank's Accusations Are True, and You Are in the Wrong? |
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Great Moments in Difficult People History |
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79 | (12) |
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This covert operator identifies your weaknesses and uses them against you, through sabotage behind your back or well-aimed putdowns in front of the crowd |
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You Better Adjust Your Attitude |
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Your Goal: Bring the Sniper Out of Hiding |
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Special Situation: Friendly Fire |
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Special Situation: Thrid Party Sniping |
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Great Moments in Difficult People History |
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91 | (10) |
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This person knows 98 percent of anything. Just ask! Know-It-Alls will tell you what they know---for hours at a time---but won't take a second to listen to your clearly inferior ideas |
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You Better Adjust Your Attitude |
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Your Goal: Open Their Minds to New Ideas |
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Great Moments in Difficult People History |
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The Think-They-Know-It-All |
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This character doesn't know much, but doesn't let that get in the way. Exaggerating, bragging, misleading, and distracting, these legends-in-their-own-minds pull you off track |
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You Better Adjust Your Attitude |
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Your Goal: Give Their Bad Ideas the Hook |
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Great Moments in Difficult People History |
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111 | (10) |
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When they blow their tops, they're unable to stop, and shrapnel hits everyone in range. Then the smoke clears, the dust settles, and the cycle begins building to critical mass again |
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You Better Adjust Your Attitude |
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Your Goal: Take Control of the Situation |
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Great Moments in Difficult People History |
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121 | (14) |
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Quick to agree, slow to deliver, the Yes Person leaves a trail of unkept commitments and broken promises. Though they please no one, Yes People overcommit to please! |
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You Better Adjust Your Attitude |
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Your Goal: Get Commitments You Can Count On |
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Great Moments in Difficult People History |
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135 | (10) |
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When faced with a crucial decision, they keep putting it off until it's too late. But there comes a point when the decision makes itself. Then it's nobody's default but their own |
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You Better Adjust Your Attitude |
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Your Goal: Help Them Learn to Think Decisively |
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Great Moments in Difficult People History |
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145 | (12) |
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You won't know what's going on because they tell you nothing! No verbal feedback. No nonverbal feedback. They seal their mouths and stare past you as if you're not there |
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You Better Adjust Your Attitude |
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Your Goal: Persuade the Nothing Person to Talk |
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Great Moments in Difficult People History |
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157 | (10) |
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They say that, ``What goes up must come down.'' And what comes down must never be allowed to get back up again. Doleful and discouraging, they drive others to despair |
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You Better Adjust Your Attitude |
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Your Goal: Transition to Problem Solving |
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Great Moments in Difficult People History |
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167 | (8) |
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There's a plan for their lives, but they're not in it. Instead, they wallow in their woe, whine incessantly, and carry the weight of the world on their shoulders |
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You Better Adjust Your Attitude |
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Your Goal: Form a Problem-Solving Alliance |
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Great Moments in Difficult People History |
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What If People Can't Stand You? |
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175 | (16) |
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By now you may have recognized that you, too, have days when you are at your worst. So what can you do about it? Find the answer in this exchange of letters |
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What If You Are the Tank? |
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What If You Are the Sniper? |
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What If You Are the Know-It-All? |
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What If You Are the Think-They-Know-It-All? |
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What If You Are the Grenade? |
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What If You Are the Yes Person? |
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What If You Are the Maybe Person? |
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What If You Are the Nothing Person? |
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What If You Are the No Person? |
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What If You Are the Whiner? |
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| Part 4. Communication in a Digital Age |
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We reveal the limitations and pitfalls of phone communication and e-mail and show you how to turn the pitfalls into advantages with a pound of prevention |
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Communication and the Challenge of Technology |
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191 | (4) |
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When you take advantage of digital communication tools like the phone and e-mail, you lose access to valuable communication cues. But where something is lost, something is gained. We show you how to use these tools to your advantage |
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The ``Numbers of Meaning'' |
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Something Lost, Something Gained |
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The Eight Ounces of Prevention in Phone Communication |
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195 | (8) |
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You can't see them. Here we show you how to take advantage of the fact that they can't see you either! |
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Use Your Body for Tone Control |
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Know When to Hold 'Em, and When to Fold 'Em |
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Sound Prepared, Even When You're Not |
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The Eight Ounces of Prevention in E-Mail Communication |
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203 | (12) |
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You can't see them or hear them! Here we describe how to avoid the pitfalls and access the possibilities |
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Use the Advantage of Time |
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Vent It but Don't Send It |
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Begin with Intention, End with Direction |
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Make Better Sense with Emoticons |
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Use Jokes Carefully---Jokester Beware |
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Take the Time, Save Your Time |
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| Afterword |
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215 | (4) |
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How to take the big step of applying the little steps in this book |
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| Appendix: How to Change Your Attitude |
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Need the courage to stand your ground when you want to run, or to step forward in the face of determined opposition? Get an attitude adjustment when you need one! |
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Changing Your Perspective |
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Changing the Way You Talk to Yourself |
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Other versions by this Author
